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Wednesday, April 04, 2007

about body image.

For the first time since I believe 10th grade, I am under 130 lbs. I think for most people this issue would be inconsequential but it's a big deal to me. Why? well, if you don't know me or haven't seen me in a long time I will explain. I was what I would consider thin until the age of 19 when my obsession with terrible fatty foods caught up with me and I spent half of my twenties round and chubby. For the most part I wasn't completely bothered by my extra weight. I actually kind of enjoyed it. But with my back pain it really made sense to get rid of the extra weight that could possibly be making my back pain worse. This time last year I was at my heaviest, 164 lbs. Since August I have lost about 35lbs. I never imagined that just eating well would cause me to lose this much. I still eat everything that I loved before but just in smaller amounts. It's an odd thing to go from wearing an large/size 12 to a small/size 4-6. I do really feel good about myself again and it isnt just because of my weight loss. As a teenager, I never thought I was skinny enough. I was often told I was fat or that I needed to lose weight when I was tiny (see photo of me at age 15 with my bff at that time, ariana) For me this is a do over. I want to enjoy the work I have done and I want to love my body because it is mine. Even when I was this size before, I was so self conscience that I never enjoyed it. I was so concerned with being thinner that my size and my looks were never good enough. These days, I am just glad that I can leave the house in jeans and a t-shirt and feel totally comfortable. I no longer look in the mirror and see millions of flaws. I do not care if 10 lbs comes back on or if I never lose another pound. I am just happy to be me.

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